Study Finds 80% Of Island Economy Powered By Gently Used Golf Shirts

HILTON HEAD ISLAND, SC — A new economic impact report released Tuesday confirmed that gently used golf shirts now account for more than 80 percent of Hilton Head’s local economy.

Researchers found that between church thrift stores, consignment boutiques, and resale shops, the island circulates the same polo shirts in a continuous loop, with some specimens reportedly changing owners more than a dozen times.

“I saw a Sea Pines Heritage polo from 1996 for sale at three different shops in the same week,” said local resident Martha Ellison. “It had a little stain on the collar, but that just proves authenticity.”

Economists noted the shirts form a closed-loop ecosystem: retirees donate them, thrift stores resell them, new residents buy them, and then promptly re-donate when they realize they already own six nearly identical ones.

“Hilton Head runs on a cycle of golf, coleslaw, and resale,” said town spokesperson Carol Middleton. “If the golf shirt supply ever dries up, so does the island.”

At press time, local officials were considering minting golf shirts as legal tender, citing their stable value and reliable availability in XXL.