New Hilton Head Restaurant Opens, Features Same Five Ingredients As Every Other Restaurant Assembled In Slightly Different Order

HILTON HEAD ISLAND, SC — A ribbon-cutting ceremony Monday celebrated the grand opening of The Salt Marsh Table, the island’s newest restaurant, which locals quickly noted features “the exact same five things every other place serves, just shuffled around on the menu.”

Guests at the soft launch were treated to a lineup of dishes including fried shrimp with grits and coleslaw, grilled grouper over rice with coleslaw, seared scallops with mashed potatoes and coleslaw, shrimp tacos with coleslaw, and a chef’s special “grits bowl” that insiders confirmed was just the first dish without the shrimp — but still, somehow, with coleslaw.

“I’ve seen this menu before, and not just once,” said resident Randy Peterson, examining the laminated offerings. “It’s like they put shrimp, grouper, scallops, rice, and grits into a bingo tumbler, pulled out four, and slapped coleslaw on the side. I give them six months before it becomes an Italian spot.”

Restaurant co-owner Thomas Rutledge defended the approach. “This is Hilton Head cuisine — fresh seafood, Southern sides, and coleslaw. We just respect tradition.”

At press time, The Salt Marsh Table announced its first seasonal special: fried grouper tacos with grits and coleslaw.