Island Man Shocked To Learn Hilton Head Connected To Mainland By Bridge
HILTON HEAD ISLAND, SC — Longtime resident Harold Simmons expressed disbelief Monday after a neighbor casually mentioned that Hilton Head Island is physically connected to the mainland by a four-lane bridge.
Simmons, 72, admitted he hadn’t left the island since 1998, preferring to “let Publix, Amazon, and Wal-mart bring the world” to him.
“I always thought it was ferries and grit that kept us stocked,” said Simmons, who has lived in Hilton Head Plantation since 1983. “Every time Harris Teeter had milk, I just assumed some brave soul paddled it over.”
Witnesses say Simmons was visibly shaken when shown a map of the U.S. 278 bridge linking the island to Bluffton. “I just assumed Bluffton was a rumor,” he admitted. “Like Daufuskie, but less interesting.”
Neighbors reported Simmons had repeated several follow-up questions, including: “When did this happen?” and “So my Amazon Prime guy isn’t just an incredibly strong swimmer?”
Local officials reassured Simmons that the bridge has existed since 1956. “It’s literally how everything gets here,” said town spokesperson Carol Middleton. “Gas, groceries, even his Kia Sorento.”
At press time, Simmons was reportedly staring out at Port Royal Sound, wondering what other secrets the island might be hiding.
